Τετάρτη, 22 Ιουνίου 2011

Μονόλογος #1




I light up a cigarette.

I feel the smoke filling my lungs.

It burns.

It burns and I feel happy.

Never give up, it's such a wonderful life. It's that song. I've stopped believing in songs a long time ago. A lot of them remind me of things I no longer wish to be reminded of.

I watch the horizon. I watch the sun. I don't care if it's going up or down. It's all a sunset to me.

And suddenly, BOOM, she pops in my head, an unwanted thought in an already crappy day. Your least favorite party- crasher.

I still carry her picture with me though. It lasted longer than us. I knew it would.

Sometimes I think about her all the time. Sometimes I think it'll all be over. Sometimes I think tomorrow may just be a lil' bit better.

And sometimes..


Sometimes I think about killing myself.

It doesn't make me sad. Either way, on a universal scale the world wouldn't give a damn if I disappeared tomorrow. I'm just a tiny, microscopic splinter, clinging on to the edge of our so-called existence.

But sometimes I think the only thing I'm clinging on to is my sanity.

Because, we don't exist. This world does not exist. Nah-ah. Somewhere, there's a big pile of brains, dreaming of life, of this world.

A big, ugly pile of brains, just sitting there in perfect harmony and dreaming of our world, like God woke up one day and decided to play a bad joke on all of us.

Damn.

A big, ugly, sticky pile of brains.

That's me. And that's you. And that's all of us.


No matter how true the world seems, no matter how painful or joyful it may feel, it's not there.

Can't be there. Must not be there.

And there she goes again, trying to barge into my mind. Funny, how a person's absence can feel so present.

*sigh*


Sometimes I think about killing myself. Maybe I've even tried, once or twice.

Maybe I'll try again.

But for now..

I feel the smoke filling my lungs.

It burns.

It burns and I feel happy.

It burns and, for a second, just a single second..


I feel alive.

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